Twas the night before...

T’was the night before Christmas and all thru the teepee

Not an eyelid was shut because nobody was sleepy.

The Wal-Mart bags were hung by the fire so neat,

Hoping Chief Nick would fill them up with smoked meat.

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of fry bread men danced in their heads.

With ya-yah in her kerchief and my hair braided tight

We turned up the scanner to entertain us tonight.

 

Then all of a sudden a crash we did hear,

The rez dogs started barking but that’s the norm around here.

The moon on the breast of the new falling snow

Gave the luster of midday to my rez car below.

 

When what do my ndn eyes should appear

But an ndn sleigh with eight tiny reindeer!

With a little rez driver so stoic but quick

I knew in a moment it must be Chief Nick.

 

More rapid then Rez Ballers the reindeer they came

And he pointed with his lips then called them by name.

On Fancy Dancer, on Smoked Meat, on Thomas and Victor,

On Back Strap, on Philbert, on Black Cloud and Trixster.

 

Ssshhh! Land beside the teepee, quiet for good reason

We have to be careful it’s deer hunting season.

The stickers on his sleigh read "I love baloney"

Another one said "My other ride is a pony."

 

The one in the middle said "NDN Power"

There was duct tape and bailing wire holding it together.

When the teepee flap opened I just hung my head,

For I just finished off his stew and fry bread.

 

He was dressed in full regalia from his head to his moccs,

His outfit fully beaded right down to his socks!

His huckleberry eyes twinkled, his braids were like WOW!

You have to see it for yourself, he was just … somehow!

 

The stump of his peace pipe held tight in his teeth

And the smoke signals encircled his head like a wreath.

His face was kind of greasy and he was ndn size,

He had a commod bod only a skin could recognize.

 

He spoke not a word just flashed his Tribal ID.

He left a block of cheese and new tape recorder under the tree.

He left hand drums and blankets and round dance CDs,

Huckleberry pies and the new N Cree!

 

Then he pointed with his lips, gave a big hearty AYYE!

And he danced out the door and jumped in his sleigh.

I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight

Merry Christmas to all!  Let’s round dance tonight!

 

HO-ka! HO-ka! HO-ka!

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
 bed.
  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
 sex?" "No," she answered.
 I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She
 didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
 "Yes."
 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 And that's when the fight started.... 
 

  I asked
 my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
 anniversary?"
 It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
 appreciation.
 "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
 she said.
 So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
 And that's when the fight started.....

  
 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
 lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
 out into a torrential downpour.
 The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
 garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
 would be bad all day.
 I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
 back into bed.
 I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
 anticipation, and whispered,
 'The weather out there is terrible.'
 My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
 stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started.... 
 
 
  A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
 Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
 came from outside.
 The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
 the man 'Holy Shit.
 That must be my husband!'
 So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
 out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran
 through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
  A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
 and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
 The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
 running?'
And that's when the fight started.... 
 
  
 I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
 for $14.95.
 Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
 I told her the beer would make her look better at night
 than the cold cream. 
 And that's when the fight started.... 

 A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 She was not happy with what she saw and said to her
 husband,
 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
 need you to pay me a compliment.'
 The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
 perfect.' 
 And that's when the fight started.... 

 
  I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
 reason, took my order first.
 "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
 please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
 cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.... 

  My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
 reunion,
 And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
 she sat alone at a nearby table..
 My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
 I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
 those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
 since.'
 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a
 person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.... 
 
 
 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
 apply for Social Security.
 The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
 license to verify my age.
 I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
 home.
 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
 go home and come back later.
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened
 my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
 enough for me'
 And she processed my Social Security application.
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
 experience at the Social Security office.
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
 might have gotten disability, too.' 
 And that's when the fight started.... 

  My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
 channels.
 She asked, 'What's on TV?'
 I said, 'Dust.' 
 And that's when the fight started.... 
 
 
  My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
 anniversary.
 She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
 150 in about 3 seconds.'
 I bought her a scale.
And that's when the fight started....